Well, it’s been nearly 7 months since I’ve posted on this blog. A lot has happened in my life since then—all good things—but I wanted to give an update to the few people who have reached out to me.
2025 has been the most eventful year of my life thus far, and likely ever.
In February, I successfully defended my PhD in mathematics. This was the culmination of nearly 7 years of work, disrupted majorly by my uptick in dissociative symptoms during most of my graduate schooling. Completing my doctorate was definitely not a certainty for me, but I made it!
In March, I went on a once-in-a-lifetime backpacking trip with my partner and moved across the country to reunite with him after several years of our relationship being long distance.
In April, I started a full-time job as a scientist in a large corporation. This career path took about two years to manifest and allows me to both have a fulfilling and lucrative career that I can excel in and live with my partner.
In May, I graduated from my graduate institution. I said goodbye to my past life, that was filled with both joy and anguish, and moved onto the next chapter of life.
In September, I got married to my partner of nearly 7 years on a backpacking trip. Our small ceremony consisted of just me, him, and his brother who officiated, and it was better than I could have ever asked for.
In November, my now husband and I bought a house, which is where I am writing this post from now. It’s a beautiful historic home in a wonderful neighborhood in my new city.
This is more than I ever could have imagined happening in one year, especially given that just 3 years ago I was living very dysfunctionally and believed I would never be able to successfully exist in society again. Because of the life I have gradually built since then, my external life is now enjoyable and sustainable enough that retreating into my internal world is no longer my primary way of coping.
What happened?#
If I could tell myself anything three years ago, when I was at the peak of my dysfunction, I’d say that it just takes time to heal. Time, and curiosity. And, of course, the desire to heal, which I deeply had.
I had to have my life nearly decompose and build it up from scratch again. One thing I think that really helped me was taking naltrexone, which seemingly had a night-and-day improvement on my ability to stay present and string events across time. Since then, I have stopped and started naltrexone multiple times (stopping when I felt stable enough and starting again when I felt my sense of time slipping), and after ~2 years of the medication, I have fully stopped and have been operating successfully for nearly 5 months. Because of naltrexone, I was able to build up coping strategies (like journaling, collecting and reflecting on as much self-data as possible, and repeated indexing of past and present events) that I am now able to progress in life without it. However, I plan on starting it again during times of stress if necessary.
Most importantly, I had a major support system in place to help me advance in life. I have attended over 300 therapy sessions to date with a very attuned and knowledgable therapist, and had a fantastic mental health team support me during graduate school. I also have a wonderful and supportive partner, whose unconditional, genuine love has helped me heal immensely.
This does not mean I am symptom free. On the contrary, I still do “have” DID—I have not “fully integrated”, and I think it will be quite a while before I am truly symptom free. Right now, my most pervasive symptom is having “dissociative tics”, where something in my internal reality (often, but not always, triggered by something in my external reality) will “trigger” me—something unaddressed deep in my psyche, which contains unbearable emotion and psychological pain that I haven’t yet integrated. I inadvertently and automatically alleviate this by responding in the physical world—by grunting, groaning, twitching, jerking, and cringing—and it removes awareness of whatever was in my internal reality that triggered it. This happens multiple times daily, often clustered together in time.
My largest area of triggers are related to sex. This is my deepest, most painful wound. While I am functional in external reality for the most part, this part of my experience remains mostly unaddressed and is the primary focus of my healing from here on out. It is incredibly painful, but I hope worth it. Not only for me, but for my partner.
What’s next?#
Just because I am in a much better place now than I was when I started this blog doesn’t mean I am done with it. On the contrary, I believe I have so much more insight to contribute here than I previously had. However, because I have added increasing complexity to my external life since starting this blog, I have much less time to contribute to it. I have so much more to say, but I hardly have the time. It’s only in moments of inspiration that I am able to write a post like this one, but those moments of inspiration don’t help as much when the post needs to be more precise and well-researched, which are the types of posts that I believe I have the most to contribute.
There’s more to come on this site, but I cannot promise a predictable schedule. I have been having a great time in external reality lately, and I’d like to stay and advance here while I can. And that is incredibly healing.
I hope you all have a fulfilling and healing 2026 ahead!
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