I have always been nerdy. From a young age, I immersed myself in academic work, as I enjoyed learning and the strict routine that school provided for me. I also had an intense need to perform well—my perfectionistic tendencies dominated my life as a child. While I often did perform well academically, there were times where I performed markedly poorly on assessments, so far outside the norm of what would have ordinarily be expected of me, despite preparing and knowing the material. For example, on one occasion in high school, I was so prepared for an exam that I helped tutor my friends about the material leading up to it, only for me to fail while they performed well. I wasn’t ordinarily a bad test taker—I genuinely didn’t understand the material when exam time came. To put it simply, there were times when I was smart, and times when I was… not. I now understand this to be as a result of having DID.

Some of my parts were formed when I was a small child. When I am in these compartments, although I may be aware that I am an adult, I typically have the mental ability of around the age in which those parts developed. These compartments are essentially snapshots of my mindset at the time they were created, with varying levels of awareness of the present day. One major implication of this is that my ability to understand information varies depending on which compartment of awareness I am in. For example, I have a younger, very timid part that sometimes comes out that has the mental ability of a 7-year-old. When this part is active, I am unable to grasp onto the complex topics required of me for my PhD that I can normally do with relative ease when the right part of me is active. I am not aware of what I do not know, believing what I know in that moment is all that I do know. This part of me often comes out around others while I’m supposed to be having intellectual discussions. The results are humiliating—I am unable to discuss even my own research, which the right parts of me are very familiar with. Many a time I have left a meeting feeling absolutely defeated and frustrated that I was unable to discuss my research properly. However, there were other times, when the correct parts were out, that I was very much able to hold an academic discussion about my work. My fluctuating knowledge of my work has detrimentally impacted my academic career thus far.

Before I knew I had DID, I never questioned my fluctuating levels of intelligence. However, I did come up with a justification for my poor performance—when I was in compartments that weren’t aware of my more academic parts, I truly believed that I was dumber than all of my peers. I believed that any time I had performed well I had cheated, and I had faked my way to where I am today as a PhD student. There are times where I’d look at my academic papers, ones that I had written, and not only did I not understand what the material was about, but I didn’t fully remember writing them. I developed extreme imposter syndrome as a result of this—I truly didn’t feel like I belonged in my institution, and I believed that I had genuine reasons as to why.

It has only been within the last several months that I’ve been able to identify when I’m in a compartment of awareness that is not necessarily able to understand the material required of me in order to complete my degree, and I now see that the difference in ability is pronounced. When one of these parts of me are active, I now stop working and try to understand why it is out. What is preventing me from accessing the compartments of me that do work? Sometimes the answer is obvious; other times, I’m not so sure. Most frequently, however, I don’t realize that a non-academic part has been out until after it has already gone, when I relook at a problem that I was previously agonizing over and it becomes obvious. I’m still trying to understand these parts of myself, but just knowing that my having DID explains much of my academic distress really helps me understand why I am the way that I am.