Over the past several weeks, I have had a lot of change in my system structure. This often happens to me in times of stress, as I discussed in How DID affects my work. This rearrangement of my system usually comes with a new routine, a new set of handwritings, and a new outlook on life. It’s almost like a rebirth—a new attempt to take control of my life, every time with a slightly different strategy. However, I now feel like I have gained enough insight into how I operate that this restructuring feels different. Rather than a desperate attempt to gain control of my life, this restructuring seems to come with optimism, insight, and a solid path forward.
I now understand much more about how my system operates than even a few months ago. I’ve collected enough data about myself that I now notice patterns in my switches between parts. I am learning what my triggers are, so I can avoid or mitigate them to prevent disrupting dissociative episodes from occurring. I have developed a system that allows my parts to communicate externally while I work on developing internal communication. I still switch readily, I still have amnesia, and I still have dissociative episodes, but I feel much more aware and in control now than I ever have in my life. Best of all, I am now hopeful and optimistic for my future.
I still have a lot to come to terms with. Over the past several years, I became increasingly detached from the awareness of my external life as my dissociative symptoms increased. Life has still gone on, mostly without me, and there have been significant changes in my life circumstances that I was not aware of. As I come to terms with my dissociation and try to reenter reality, it feels like I’m entering a whole new life—I am waking up to the present.
I have had to acclimate myself to my current life circumstances, and grieve the life that I planned on having, but didn’t get to. It’s hard to believe both how far I’ve come, and how far I’ve fallen. I am fortunately in a good enough spot that, if all goes as planned, I should be able to pick up the pieces. I have had to scrap my past assumptions of how I thought my life would be, and begin planning a life in which all of my parts' voices are considered. Because of this, I am having to make significant life changes to carve out a future that I never would have considered otherwise.
Right now, in this moment, I am hopeful for my future. I am motivated to work hard and make the changes necessary in my life to achieve my goals. My path forward is more clear now than it ever has been. I believe I now have enough communication and cooperation between my parts that achieving my goals will be possible. I know I’ll run into bumps along the way, but at least now I am both more aware of and equip to deal with them.